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The Overwhelm of Lonely
Have you ever just sat in a dark room – no lights, no sounds, no other bodies. Just you, and yourself, your being, your problems, and thoughts… That’s what my soul feels like right now, and the loneliness screams louder than a banshee in a haunted forest…
My last post briefly mentioned some crazy shit I’ve dealt with this year, but I felt it would be beneficial of myself to write it out. Maybe it will help me process it to a finalization. Maybe it will put things in a different perspective for me. Maybe it’ll soften the screams in my head… or maybe they’ll just get louder.
My last post made a brief comment about being back on medication, and how it feels like it wasn’t my choice. I want to elaborate on that a bit. You see, I had thought about going back on medication myself for a moment, and then I was able to work through the depression spell, so I decided to remain off them. I have been on and off medication since I was a teenager, and there is a lot of taboo that I unfortunately still associate with myself being on medication – not for others, but solely for myself. The first time I was placed on them, it felt like I didn’t get a voice in the matter and that I was fed this whole “you’re crazy if you don’t take them” and “you’re a danger to yourself and others”, “you’re (insert diagnosis here), so you have to”… without even having a confirmation of diagnosis at that time…
The first time I took a pill, I felt the sad go away, but only long enough to get addicted to the high feeling. And when that went away, I started rummaging through the pharmacy of mom and then my friends and I would pop this pill and that pill just to feel that odd strange happy of briefness. I hated those things. I hated them so much that even when I was sharing them, and other medications of all the fun sorts with others, I felt like they kept getting shoved at me, and not in polite and encouraging means. One year for my birthday, a friend’s mom handed me a full gallon size bag stuffed with various anti-depressants, anti-psychosis etc. medications and she laughed with my mom about how I needed them. That was the day I told myself I wouldn’t touch them again, ever… and yet here I am… on them…again…
I’m a total hypocrite with medication and therapy, and I own that flaw. I want everyone to feel happy, and safe, in the brightness of life and have sunshine and rainbows crawling out of their butts – no matter if they need the assistance of medications, whether temporary or long term. Shit, I’ve been to therapy on and off I don’t know how many times in my life by this point. I have never judged another for being on medication, or therapy – I never will. Yet, when it comes to myself… its hard to swallow that pill. Especially right now.
The event that lead to my current prescription was one that has lived as a nightmare before, and on a replay since. When you get told your entire life that you are crazy, that someone will call to get you locked up, that the men in the white coats will stand at the foot of your bed… it sits there… lurking… in the brightest of days, and the darkest of nights… waiting… and holy fuck it took everything I could to maintain my composure long enough to convince them I was safe enough to not be taken in… fuck I’m crying right now thinking about the entire thing. The event was complete and utter bullshit. It was the smallest of thing I let fester. I let it out, I said what I wanted to say to get out my emotions. And it back fired in my face. The entire situation blew up, and then another person was brought in to it to make me feel even worse about myself. And then I decided I wasn’t going to sit there – so I left. Without my phone, without my smart watch, on purpose. Because I wanted to be left alone. I wanted the noise to stop. I couldn’t handle it. I was lost in the thought of “what ifs”, and knew it I didn’t leave, the chance of that what if becoming a reality would have increased with the passing moment… So I left… to be in quiet. To cry alone, without the sounds of someone trying to call or text me. To gather myself. I drove less than a mile down my road, and sat in a parking lot, crying, loathing myself, trying to fight the negatives about myself, trying to convince myself I wasn’t this, that, these, or those, and trying to calm down… Until the cop showed up.
I have been humiliated before in my life – but this was an entire new level, and one I don’t ever want to experience again… Having to convince this person I was fine, that I wasn’t going to do anything stupid, that I didn’t want to talk because I left to be alone, and to not call crisis… because I didn’t fucking need them. Having to stand in the cold, with no jacket, while they searched the car for weapons that didn’t exist. Telling them that truck pulling up was a family member with my kids and to ask them to leave because you didn’t want to scare the kids… And then trying even harder to convince crisis you were stable – no matter how much they kept pushing you to go, and take the pills they have… That fucking sucked…
It took a few days after, but I knew if I didn’t make an appointment with my doctor, it would’ve been used against me somehow, by someone. So I did. I didn’t go into details, and I tried to laugh through it when I made my follow up, and next therapy session. And hearing the “I’m proud you”s after… made it that much more humiliating… because it just feels like I won’t be good enough to some, unless there’s this magical prescription behind me…
There is absolutely no judgement if you are someone on medication, or someone who has been admitted. None. I have many friends who have been admitted both against their will, and by self admittance.
The magical pills don’t take away the darkness this room I sit in has become. It stops the heart racing, but my brain still goes a million miles a second. The depression will never go away – I’ve accepted that demon, and usually we live in peace together and can ignore each others presence. But the loneliness screams in my ear. And after that night, its gotten louder. I have friends I can call when things get hard, but now… now it feels like I can’t, or that I shouldn’t. Because what happens if I do… what happens when I ask to not sit in this darkness alone. What happens to me… to my will… to my soul… to that last drop of light hiding in the corner… that night fucking broke me. It broke me more than the boyfriend who beat me did. And I hate it. I hate that I feel like this. That I live in fear more than I ever did. I hate that I know the person who made that call might read this, and hate themselves for it. I hate that I can’t talk to them about it. And I hate that I don’t know if that will ever change… because I’m terrified of the outcome… no matter what it could be…
The dark room I sit in has been there for years. I don’t know when I came to it, I don’t know why I chose to sit in it. I don’t know why it became a comfort for so long. Over the years it was okay. I could see in the dark. I don’t know why I went blind. The last year has been such an emotional whirlwind of bullshit, day after day. I was able to pick myself up, brush myself off, and move on. The last few months though, even in a room full of people… I feel like I’m the only one there. And I don’t want to be. I don’t care if I have to keep sitting in the dark… I just don’t want to be so alone in it anymore…
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Stressed is Just Desserts Backwards
Fun fact about me; when I get overly stressed I overly bake… And desserts have calories, and calories mean weight gain, so weight gain stresses me out (because I’m a brain washed millennial), and then I bake even more because I’m so goddamn stressed!… My mother loves it, because well, she gets unexpected desserts…
I’ve been working on that word “Better” this first quarter of the year, but dear glob it is hard… It’s been a rollercoaster of a year already too. Between having to sell a vehicle to pay off debt, another vehicle breaking down, only to be unbroken after we get stuck in a loan for a replacement vehicle…I interviewed for a higher position within the company – was denied, but not surprised (it really didn’t bother me), was given a million more tasks to prepare for auditing, lost a coworker unexpectedly, applied at 20 other companies, interviewed for a few, and bit my tongue enough to watch my mouth when addressing concerns with new management. It hasn’t been all that bad, but it feels like a repeat of last year, and its hard to believe our director that my position is stable with everything else going on…
The shitlins are still shitlins, and the last few days I have been at the point of shutting myself in my room for quiet because holy shit, don’t you ever stop talking?! I got back on the happy pills of medication, not by choice in what it feels like, which really fucks with my head because dignity of risk is a thing, but I don’t feel like having someone calling the crisis mobile on me again for leaving the house, to calm down away from chaos… And then I started seeing a therapist who wants to address my lifetime of trauma, event by event, which stresses me out because some things I just don’t want to relive… but clearly I didn’t heal properly from it…
So between 3 months of uncertainty, intensified chaos, and a brain that just doesn’t stop, these desserts are ruling my kitchen tonight…
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New Year, Same Arsehull… but Better!
And that concludes 2023… Thank the gods!
This past year was to put it simply, a lot. In so many forms… From home life, to work life. It definitely tested a lot of my soul, my capabilities, my patience, my desires, and learning my worth in the corporate world. Last year started off fine, then just a month in, everything went to shit in a hand basket, and it just continued to pile on. Work went from being a place of safe, to a place of constantly watching my back, not knowing when I’d be coming home saying I was done. We sold one house and moved into another; which although turned into what should be a better situation all around, it definitely came with some unexpected forces. I opened my eyes to what my worth is, and had some of the cruelest moments in my marriage to date. But in the end, I survived.
A few years ago, I was taught a different way of viewing this horrendous thing called “Resolutions” and instead, found a simpler way of using “A Word” to guide myself into a better place over the next 365 days. (366 if you count this year being a leap year… or you know, a free day to just be a dick). My first year using a word, I chose “Improve” – and I did a lot with that. I improved my work performance, my standing in organizations I joined, and some of my coping skills (not all of them). Last year, I chose the word “Positive”, and jebus on a shitstick, that was hard, and even though I didn’t fail it, I could’ve done better. I did try to keep a lot of the negative thoughts away, and to be honest, my headspace isn’t as doom and gloom as it was last year. This year though, I’m choosing “Better”. Well isn’t that the same as “Improve”?! No, and I’ll fight you about it.
Being Better isn’t just for one thing, its something I’m focusing on with multiple things. With work, there are things that have happened that I took some time away from to really focus on, heal from, and plan the next move. I took the last two weeks of 2023 away from work, and it honestly was beyond needed. Am I looking forward to waking up before 9 AM tomorrow and clocking in? No. But I am ready to be better at the moves I make in the game of employment. My plan here is to be Better as a professional, as a supervisor, and as the main bread winner in my home. I plan to make better moves to push myself in the direction that will be better for not just myself, but my family as well. Maybe that means staying with the company, maybe it means I venture into a new role elsewhere. Either way, it will be better.
For home life, I am working on being Better with my emotions. Talking things through, reducing the yelling more, making time to play with the kids more, and letting the small things go. I spent a lot of my time off work at home, and did a lot of playing card games with my shitlins. I know it made a difference in them, but also in me. I want to have more moments like that. My eldest loves board games, and my favorite meadery has a monthly board game night that is family friendly and I plan to go with them. I took the shitlins there on my birthday and the owners really enjoyed them, so it made me feel better taking them there again. I also plan on making more time for the park, or a day to the coast, which unfortunately I haven’t seen as much as I would like last year. I need to better in communicating what is bothering me, even the smallest of things. I get so caught up in its not a big deal, or I’ll cause more problems saying something, but sometimes in order to be better, you have to say the shit that might hurt. Just do it more tastefully.
And for myself, I am going to be Better in taking time for me. I need that. The break from one responsibility the last two weeks really showed how much I was burnt out – which was more than I had thought I was before. I am going to be Better about taking a walk with the dog, lordt knows our fat asses both need it. Be Better about making art and putting my headphones on to forget about the world for a moment. Making art the last two weeks, was this huge eye opener to how much I needed to put paint to canvas, or pencil to paper. In fact, it opened my eyes so much I had a spit of depression hit afterwards that caused my last meltdown of 2023 on the kitchen floor last night. I used to be really creative nearly half my life ago. I would write (and even was published once), draw, and build things. I need to make more time for that. I need to be better about that. Getting my nails done every 3 weeks is great self-care, but I need to be Better about taking more time for that. I have a dead deer head that I was given by a friend in construction that I thought would be fun to turn into art. He’s my goal to complete before June. I am going to be Better, and make time to do that.
So, to be simple, and short; Better. That is my goal this year. Be Better for my family, for finances and planning (the hubby and I actually made a 5 year plan too), for my employment and work/life balance, and for myself. I’ll really just be the same fun loving, sarcastic asshole I’ve always been, but I’ll be Better!
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Twas the night before Eve…
And all through this house, every goddamn creature was stirring about and dear freak glob dog I swear if you don’t stop licking!!
So its the day before Christmas eve, or as some are now referring to it, The Adam before Christmas. (if you don’t know the joke, its a play on the overly oppressiveness of male gender from those who enjoy mansplaining.) And honestly, its been a long, hard, (look another Adam joke!), and honestly stressful holiday season. To be honest, I really cant wait for it to be over, so I can worry about other impending dooms, like Tax Season!
My rotation around the sun was yesterday, the 22nd; and it was a very good day. I did a whole lot of nothing, and even took the kids to my favorite local spot for a reading of A Christmas Carol. They were surprisingly well behaved, and my eldest was begging to return tonight for board game night. (he did not get his way). I received lots of well wishes, and a whole bunch of new oil paints! I’ve been throwing around ideas in my head of what to make next, but honestly I am questioning if I have developed the talent for it yet. However, the new paints did inspire me to make some art last night as I ended my birthday, and although I did not break in the new paint, but instead used acrylic, I was satisfied with the result.
Being satisfied with art however does worry me, as my grandma who taught me the basics of painting said that once you start to like the result, you’ve reached your peak. I don’t want where I’m at to be my peak, so I am going to keep pushing myself. Especially because one idea I have involves a human-esk face, and I don’t want to mess that up. I did however, remember last night that I much prefer oil paints over acrylic because I can blend things better, but acrylic is decent for quick pieces that you want to complete within a few hours…
I spent the day baking obnoxious amounts of cookies, and brownies like I do every year, and yes, even having a bad panicky moment aimed at my spouse. I did calm down from it quickly, but I know the effects were felt well after. It did get me thinking though of the foot I want to step on come the new year, and it aims at being better.
The gifts are all wrapped, and not under the tree – because I’m long term cat sitting, and he likes to destroys my plants so I’m not risking presents… Also because my two year old tried to open one at his grandparent’s the other days by casually hooking his toe in the wrapping… They will however, go under the tree tomorrow, along with all the remaining magic the shitlins expect for Christmas day.
Christmas is a weird thing to think about the older I get, and there will be another post going more in depth as to why later. But having children does change things. It also challenges how you answer the questions that surrounds certain beliefs around this time of year, and how to properly provide a neutral, yet simplistic answer for young minds.
The traditions have shifted over the years, and we aren’t doing more than breakfast with family in our home, and dinner with my parents. Tomorrow however, will be spent being an “Eve” and cleaning as much as I can. (Like how I continue to fuel this horrendous joke?). So until then, I’ll continue to yell at this dog to stop licking, and the cats to stop knocking my things off the tables…
The thing I made
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Just an Update
Well, as per what has become my new usual and expectation, I have been busier than bull in a field of horny heifers. It’s honestly creating a mass burnout, and I’ve yet to find a way of temporarily escaping from it.
My spouse found employment. It’s not anything I was hoping he would manage, but, its income and for that I can’t complain to much. It’ll be night shifts however and as much as he pisses me off on a regular basis, I’m kind of annoyed I won’t see him as much. I’ve been trying to figure out how I will play the juggling game of the after work/school with two demonic shitlins, and at this point, my only game plan is fuck it.
We had our open house for my office this last week. That stress is finally over, and it played out so much better than I thought it would. I am beyond happy to say I was able to show my higher ups the connections I have busted my butt to make, and prove I am of fairly large value to the company. They did say it was the best open house the company has seen in our state, and it was a good ego boost for the moment; I just don’t fully believe they see my worth. But that’s my opinion.
I was elected as Chair for our local policy council (which is basically president), and was also elected to another community board that does a lot in the area we live in. I signed up for a few other boards as well. Those that sit on the boards I am currently on, truly do make an impact in my life and how I feel about myself. It’s funny how when I was younger I never thought I would amount to much, but these people and boards make me feel like I’m worth something. Maybe just a nickel, but something. During our open house, the Executive Director of one of the biggest community partnerships in our area told my bosses how much he enjoyed working with me and has heard nothing but great things from others who I have worked with. It truly meant a lot and I know that when my time is up on these boards, it will hurt to leave.
It’s funny how I seem to find ways to make myself busy, yet sit here and feel as though I need some time away. It hit pretty hard the other night, and I won’t deny that I have had some bad mom/spouse moments yesterday and this morning. If you were to ask me what I want, honestly I wouldn’t be able to tell you. Part of me wants to sit in a room, alone, with loud music. Part of me wants to go sit at the coast alone. Part of me wants to escape for a few days with friends and forget about my stresses. And as healing as those can be, unfortunately, they don’t take away all the time and responsibilities I have piled in front of me. I told my mom the other week that if my back bone showed all the cracks I’ve walked through over the years, my spine would be made of gold. But goddamnit, my back hurts and I want a nap (especially one where I’m not woken up by a two year old asking for crackers in my ear).
I’m trying to maintain a positive mindset. I know if I don’t, I’ll slip and things will get worse. Reminding myself that its just another day, another bump in the road, another shoulder shrug, and another lesson I walked away from. It’s an uphill battle of everything going on in my head while dealing with the realities of today. I just hope my calves are up for the hike.
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Not Dead Yet
Well this seems to be a trend… posting, then not posting, then posting, and then ghosting, then posting once more. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have time to add anything here, and quite frankly I’ve just been fucking lazy. There has been some events, but not enough to really excuse an absense.
So in the last, holy shit, FIVE Months since my last post; We finished unpacking after the move, my oldest started school again, I bought a beater truck, I got a raise, the credit card debt got racked the fuck up, we went back “Home” to a pirate event (which was of itself horrible and amazing at the same time), my husband lost his job, and I might’ve been approved for college debt forgiveness! Damn, that was a run on sentence to say the least!
I guess I’ll start at the top. I kinda lied, we are fully unpacked. There are still boxes in my room, and the office. My excuse is we need shelves. My husband’s excuse is we don’t have the material to make them, and I personally think that’s just rude. My oldest changed schools and school districts because of the move, but has now started real school and is enjoying it. His last school was honestly horrendous, to put it mildly, and I spent the last two plus months of the year there, yelling at teachers, principals, and the useless superintendent. Unfortunately, the experiences we had there are not uncommon, and its pathetic they do nothing to change.
We discussed buying a beater truck after we traded in my beloved Coyote F150 and Hemi Charger for more fuel efficient vehicles. It was a sad decision, but we have saved a significant amount in fuel since we traded in last year. The beater isn’t so bad. For an ’07 its in decent condition. Its another 5.7L and for the age of it, it was considered luxury addition back in the day. We ended up buying it outright which was cool in the moment, but it hurt my credit card and I should’ve thought that through better. It was kind of the snowball into the already climbing debt we unfortunately were building. A big chunk of the debt is honestly trying to get my spouse’s debt cleared and off interest, which was truly a dumb idea. It’s currently the biggest stressor and as much as I get mad and cry about it alone in my car, I know it’s something we will get through.
The beginning of September we went to what we call, Home. My husband and I have been eventing whether its Pirate or Medieval fighting, for over 20 years. My spouse started in a group that was well known across the states for Medieval Combat Fighting. The stories he has are impressive, and I enjoy watching the awe in others faces when they hear them. Its fun to remember that “normal” people don’t live in event worlds like we do. I celebrated 13 years of Pirating this year, and although most of my old garb doesn’t fit anymore (thanks shitlins), I still pulled off looks I have been notorious for at events. We started a new “ship” as we call them, and through the connections we already had at the event, have secure us in building a bigger encampment and name for next year. Unfortunately, we brought a newbie with us who refused to play the rules of the game in a respectful manner and I almost unleashed my decades of anger on them in camp when they refused to stop disrespectfully talking about my children. (Side note – when it comes to my kids, I make mama bears look soft). My husband and I also got into a horrific fight, that everyone in our camping area could hear, and it was not the greatest way I wanted to end the weekend.
Three days after the event, my husband lost his job. So that’s been great. Its definitely added to the debt stress, but I’m just trying to keep a positive mindset. Its funny how most people say they do a lot of their thinking in the bathroom, because I honestly do think a lot when in the shower. I kind of have a plan in place of how I am hoping we can manage and cut debt while we wait on income from him to come back in. He did get a night shift job, which sucks for when you want to spend time with each other, but its a job. He doesn’t start however until mid-October just for orientation, and no clue on when he will actually start the position. He has been continuing to apply other places.
One great stress reducing news was that my student loans are going to be forgiven. I don’t know the exact number yet, but the school I got my degree from, was on the wonderful fraudulent list of schools that popped up during Covid. Before I received that notice, I did get moved to the income driven payment plan, and at least would have had another 7 months without payments. Not going to lie, if all of my debt gets forgiven, I will probably scream. If only part of it gets forgiven, then I’m okay with that too, and honestly, anything at this point helps.
There’s more shit that’s happened within the last few weeks alone, but that’s for a different post. We do see my husband’s favorite band in 11 days up in Seattle (don’t worry, its already been paid for long before the debt got bad, and we had enough hotel points that the room was free). It’ll be out first concert since the pandemic ended, and honestly… I fucking need it!
I’ll try to do better on posting… no promises though.
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Mental Exhaustion of the Guilty
This post isn’t going to be too long. I’ve been awake for an hour, trying to drown in coffee, and I’m already tapped for the day. We’ve recently sold our home, and have moved into the new one. The entire process was absolutely maddening and quite simply, bullshit. Hence why there was nothing in April because my worthless brain couldn’t process words properly.
I feel like I’ve been living in hotels this year due to work and OHSA stuff. And I’m still not done traveling… which would be really fucking cool. My husband is over it. I’m reminded of that in the not most amazing ways. Granted I acknowledging he is not trying to make me feel bad, but there is always something about waking up to a paragraph of a text message aimed for the gut.
I need a break from work, and conferences, and my brain, but now I feel like there is no point in asking. We have finally replaced my coworker who left the company, so the workload has lessened. But I still haven’t had a moment to process and recover from the mental exhaustion of March. Throw in I was traveling nearly each week in April, back and forth offers on the house, finally selling the house, and then moving. And now I am spending my morning feeling guilty that I’m once again in a hotel, away from the spouse and kids, being painted like I have a break, when I still don’t have a moment to organize my thoughts.
Maybe I’m just selfish. Maybe I have all this freedom and I should be thankful. Maybe I just want to be selfish where it doesn’t involve work. And maybe, I can feel my depression trying to creep back in. I don’t know. Maybe I just want to play the victim for once, but now that I think about it, I feel guilty, and like shit, and I should just be grateful. Whatever those maybes may be, all I know for certain is I need to straighten my back up, put on my pretend face, and go tackle the day… again…
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Soup Brain
Welp, surprise surprise I didn’t post in all of February. I’ve been, to honestly say the least; busy.
It’s only the fifth day of March and I feel like my brain has turned into mash potato soup. I’m stressed beyond imagination and I feel like I am not able to let it out in any form. I’m trying not to get snippy at home, or think worst case scenarios, but holy fuck.
The ending of February brought some bullshit at work. A coworker left, and the more I think about it, the better it is. However, they weren’t afraid to do some damage before their departure. The damage really hurt our team at the office, and I lost a lot of faith in the company I thought I would be making a career out of.
The more I think back on the past few weeks, I can see the plotting and the twisting. I can see the stabs in the gut, and the tearing of the flesh. I’m not gonna lie my dudes, I’m terrified for my job. And what’s worse, is that sinking feeling that upper management will only be using me to clean up the mess the absent coworker left behind before they toss me aside. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, and I love what the company is about, but I don’t love not knowing what’s next.
On top of the work stress, we’re in the middle of trying to sell our home, and I feel like we got fucked there too. Yeah maybe we didn’t think an offer through properly, maybe things moved too quickly. Maybe I should have asked more questions and stood my ground. I’m not sure anymore. Now we’re struggling to find additional funds to cover part of the move that we weren’t expecting to have to worry about.
The cat rescue I was assisting with (one ran by what I thought was a friend), and I parted ways yesterday. I did what I do best, I called out irresponsible actions and provided my full blatant honesty. In returned I was insulted (which truly did make me laugh out loud), then asked the following day for help again. Call me petty but, you don’t get to call me a bitch then ask for my help. So I once again, stood my ground and said the wonderous fuck off figure it out yourself, not my problem anymore. Have fun with the fine from the state.
I’m trying to summarize. Its kind of helping turning that soup brain into a chowder, but holy fuck. I want a vacation but I’m not going to ask for it. At this exact moment, because I exclaimed some of my stressors out loud, that I have now upset my spouse. So I’m hiding in my office… feeling like shit… feeling just as stressed. Feeling like now I fucked up because I had a moment and now look at it.
I guess what I’m just trying to say is that with all this shit, I know I can hold the pressure, I just don’t feel like anyone cares enough about my mental space. Maybe its not worth it. Maybe I’m just overreacting and being dumb. Maybe I should mouth off and really fuck the ship. Maybe I should sit down and shut up and hope I don’t have to file for unemployment. Maybe I should light the house on goddamn fire and roast a fucking marshmallow. Or maybe, I should just go to the gym, no matter how guilty and fucking dumb I feel about it and try to run my shit out of my head. Maybe right now I’ll just sit here in my soup brain, trying not to drown while I hold back the tears of bullshit.
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One Word… and a mouthful of donuts…
Ok, before I dive in to this shit, I should apologize for not keeping my word on posting more frequently but… I know me. I know how I function. I know that sometimes, when I have this great thought that should be wrote down… my dumbass will forget and then we’ll be here in this pickle again. So, with that; I’m not going to apologize, I’m just going to tell you to strap in ’cause this shit is just too rocky to predict.
Hold on, I now need a minute to think because I got distracted by my husband’s stank ass devil lettuce that creeps through the floorboards…
… fuck! what was I going to put?!
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OH YEAH!
Ok so, jebus that shit stinks. Ok so! Its 2023. Did I ever think I would make it this far? Nope. Did I ever think the world would? Nope. Do I honestly even care? Yeah… nope. But that’s not the point. The point is, its the start of another rotation around the sun, and like the general masses, I try to implement some change. Now before you roll your eyes and dive into the “oh here we go, she’s gonna do the whole new year new me shit blah blah blah”, you need to calm down Linda (no offense to anyone who’s name is actually Linda…unless well, you need to calm down). I learned years ago, back in my youth, that “resolutions” don’t mean shit, and making them just leads to disappointment. Why? Because you set yourself up typically with unrealistic expectations, or assumptions about yourself, that you know goddamn well that you won’t complete, but you do it anyways because the masses encourage self directed lies. My yearly moto is “new year, same asshole”. Which could really mean a variety of things, because if you think about it… I’m still me, and I’ve had the same asshole my whole life. Or, if that was just too far for you (see, new year, same shit), it could be, I’m still me, and I’m really just an asshole. Funny how I keep telling people this, and yet they still don’t leave me alone…
Dear gods! He just walked up from the basement and the smell followed him! Like… dude! Get the less stinky shit! (I also have an extra potty mouth tonight. Can you tell?)
So if I don’t do the resolution thing, what do I do? Or why? Well that’s simple. Instead, I live by one word. Its a new word each year, and it is what I use as the backbone to my choices. For example; Last year’s word was “Improvement”. I used that as my guide, and every damn choice I made in 2022 was lead by if it would benefit anything to an improvement in my life. I started therapy again, I got on meds again, and even spoke up when those meds weren’t working. I examined how I managed my employees, or my workload. I took steps in only directions that were beneficial to improving. Taking the year by a word, rather than by a “I’m gonna lose 20 pounds!” (which lets me honest, that’s a goal, but I’ve just been to lazy to make it to the gym, cause you know… I got excuses). With a single word, you can manipulate it to any direction you want. And it works.
I got the idea from my supervisor actually. At first I thought it was silly, but she’s got a couple rotations on me, and well; I respect her a lot. She’s been doing a word for years, and swore by its help. Me, being a non-believer in waaaaaay to many things, called bullshit, but decided to try. And by golly, geewillikers Batman (no real association with Batman… I’m more of Spiderman gal myself), it worked! And thus I grew and made big strides and even though I fell some, I pushed through the barriers even harder.
Like I said two paragraphs ago, I did make a lot of improvements. Like therapy, and meds, or just general boring work stuff, but I did even more. I examined how I parent, and made improvements to that (also with the help of meds, thanksbutnothanks bigphrama). I examined how I could improve my communication and relationship with my spouse. Did we fight? Oh you bet your jolly ass we did! But it was an improvement compared to the year prior. I took a big jump in running for Policy Council for Head Start again, and again, was elected as the Vice Chair for our region, as well as OHSA (that’s Oregon Head Start Association btw), rep. I took my role more seriously, and improved how I added to the council, spoke in our meetings, and examined the documents given to us. I also took the biggest jump, and not only ran for, but was elected on to the OHSA Executive Board! Holy shit I know! On top of that election, I was then voted in by the board as Secretary, which was mind boggling! (Side note; the weed smell has diminished, but now his computer sounds like a heavy rain outside and now I’m questioning the last time he air sprayed it out…)
Being on the board, added a huge improvement to my PC roll, as well as brought me extensive knowledge at work. Speaking of work! Yes, I made the improvements mentioned above, but I was also gifted the amazing opportunity to have a mentorship with our Program Administrator, (which is my boss’s boss’s boss! One step under our executive director). The mentorship has brought drastic improvement in my position, and has improved a lot of my hard, and soft skills in the workforce, that I’ve even brought home. I was also offered to become an instructor for our agency for our OIS (Oregon Intervention System, please look it up, it is amazing!), which again, created opportunities of improvement. My first week of that training started the first week of January (hence my late post [see excuses]), and is pushing those improvements even into 2023.
Whew! I feel like I need to take a breath after that. In my head, I was seriously talking (thinking?) really fast and not breathing.
So what’s my word this year? “Positivity”. The hardest word of all. The word that causes sleepless nights, and rains on my miserable parades. Why choose it then right? I swear… this freaking house and air and the smells… it smells like raw steak now… (and no I’m not pregnant thank you! That’s not where this positivity thing is going). I chose Positivity because it’s a challenge. I’m a Negative Nancy (not my real name), and it has created some missed opportunities and bad events in recent years. Yes, I will still always choose to watch the world burn, and think of worst case scenarios in my head, or have those days of “nope, not doing it, that’s dumb, it won’t work, fuck it”; but its time to look at adding in some Positive Peggy (again, not my real name).
Adding in positivity, and I’m not talking those dumb words of affirmation, because I hate those. It’s adding in the thought of “oh, well that sucked ass, but at least it wasn’t worse”, or “you know what, I had a bad morning, but let’s take a moment and turn the day around!” It’s changing the mindset of my wonderful cloudy skies, to a peak of sunshine. It’s “shit we have to take money out of savings, but hey, at least we have a house!”, and “ugh this damn cook overcooked my blue rare, and made my steak a medium rare, but that’s okay because at least its not well done!” Not dreading on those stupid, petty little thoughts that poke at your subconscious over and over and over and over and over and over again until you’re just a shitcan of worms. It’s a shoulder shrug (as my husband just loves to do whenever you ask him goddamn anything… asshole). It’s a take a breath and move on. And it’s an amazing example to give my children to learn and lead by, because dear glob, I really don’t like phone calls from the school…
One word. One word that can make a significant difference. One that can benefit not only my miserable depressed ass self, but also those around me. Resolutions are stupid. Lying to yourself is a waste of time. Take that word, and manipulate it to your benefit. Unless it involves your husband ripping ass right next to you, because the only thing I’m goddamn positive about right now is my foot going up his ass… (and that cream filled donut calling my name…)
Momma Crowe 